The Legend of Lezda : Spoof of Time!
by Storm-child1
Summary: I have NO idea why i worte this, but it's the story of Zelda, which has had the balance, sane-ness, and names taken out and put in a blender! With Pink the hero and Gator the Fariy, where will it take us???
1. Pink's Journey begins

Heya peopolez! This is going to be the biggest piece of bull crap I've ever written! I'm looking forward to it!!! I hope you like it, don't bother telling me if you don't, other wise I just get really hacked off. So to the people who go from the rating of 'remotely like' to 'this rocks!' Please, R+R!!!  
  
~*Storm*~  
  
~*~*~  
  
The Legend of Lezda : Spoof of Time  
  
A long time ago. Before life began, before the world had porn.I mean had it's form, three silver idiots descended upon the chaotic (although It wasn't there yet so how could it be) land of Lowrule. They were Pin, the goddess of power, Hey you! The goddess of wisdom and Fat bore, the goddess of courage.  
  
Pin, with her skinny arms, mutilated the land to create the earth. Hey you! Smeared some wisdom onto the earth to give the spirit of law to the world. Fat bore's rich soul fillet created life forms which would hopefully up hold the law although they really wanted to play snooker.  
  
These three great idiots returned to the heavens, leaving behind the silver sacred Trihorse. Since then, the trihorse has become the basis for Lowrule's providence. Where the trihorse stood became the sacred racecourse.  
  
In the vast, deep forest of Lowrule, the Great fuck-u tree served as the guardian spirit. The children of the forest, the eerie Cocks, lived with the great fuck-u tree (and went tree hugging every so often to the great pleasure of the fuck-u tree) Each eerie Cock has his or her own hairy, except one. His name was Pink. (Guess what HIS favorite color is *snigger*)  
  
Early one morning, Pink was having a nightmare. It was the same nightmare he had every night. During a storm, Pink would find himself standing in front of a big and mysterious castle. A rider on horseback who looked scared out of her wits, carrying a gimp, would race by. The gimp would look at link as if to say something, but her false teeth fell out and she could speak. Then, another rider would appear. This big man clad in black would look down mencingly at Pink. Pink would then awaken.  
  
~And this is where the spoof begins!!!~  
  
"Pink! Hey, get up, Pink! The great fuck-u tree wants to talk to you!". Pink opened one eye and glared at the floating hairball.  
  
"If he wants a shag, he ain't getting one!", the young boy snapped, before rolling over and covering his ear with a pillow. Gator (get it? Navi-gator? Navigator?.never mind) the hairy got really mad at this and started zooming up and down like a jack in the box with rabies.  
  
"HE DOES NOT WANT A SHAG NOW GET UP!!!", she screeched. "Alright, alright I'm up!", said Pink, irritably.  
  
"RIGHT! Follow my lead!!!", said the hairball proudly, not looking and crashing into a wall.  
  
"Er, no thanks", Pink smirked, running outside.  
  
"YAHOO! PINK!!", he heard a voice call up to him. He looked down to see his best friend, Sorry. Pink leapt down the ladder, sprained his ankle, and got up to face the green haired gimp. Gator flitted out of the door after reassembling herself.  
  
"Oh my gawd!", said Sorry, Janice from friends style. "Is that a hairy? Oh my gawd! You finally got one.but that was so last second!!!", she said with a disturbing laugh.  
  
Pink smiled amiably, made his excuses and darted of to the path leading to the great fuck-u tree. But there, in his way stood Fido playing guard dog. "Halt Zinc! Ha ha! I just cracked a joke!".  
  
"Great fido, can I get past now?".  
  
"What you gonna do?", said fido with a sneer. Pink stared in disgust at the dog food stuck between his teeth.  
  
"The great fuck-u tree has summoned me! Why are you holding your arm like that?", Pink said proudly.  
  
"It's dislocated so DON'T ask! Anyway, Is that so? Well, I don't see why he didn't ask me, because, as you know, I'm the best leg humper around. Well I won't let you pass without an eerie Cock sword, or a fuck-u shield!", said fido.  
  
"Yo! Loser! You're the dog around here, go fetch!". Yelled gator, in a fit of rage.  
  
"Go fetch? No, I only shag!", he said defiantly, giving an example on a near by tree root.  
  
"I'll give you a bone?", said Gator. Within two seconds, a blur, and a strong breeze, Fido held out the two things needed, panting heavily.  
  
"Now where's my bone?", he whined. Gator smacked him on the nose.  
  
"Go get your own ya pussy!".  
  
"PUSSY!? THAT IS AN INSULT!!! I AM A DOG!".  
  
"Yeah.bitch!", yelled Pink, making a quick getaway. Pink slowly approached the great fuck-u tree after being attacked by three fuck-u babies the most feared plant in the forest.  
  
"Ahh, Gator, thou hast returned!", said the fuck-u tree merrily. "And Pink, oh brave, sweet, jolly, cute, dinky, small.".  
  
"What is your point?", Pink screamed, tapping his foot impatiently on the floor. The great Fuck-u tree looked stunned, but obliged.  
  
"An evil man of the dessert (nope.that's not a typo, heh heh heh) has cast a curse on me, can you break it so I can go and die anyway, just to get you in trouble and make you leave?".  
  
"No!".  
  
"But you must receive the spiritual stone of the forest!".  
  
"Don't want it, YOU SUCK!!", Pink pouted like a two year old. The fuck-u tree got very mad at this, and with one great gulp of air, sucked both Gator and Pink into the wide opening in his trunk.  
  
"Whoa! Far out man! You DO suck!! Haha! Spit or swallow dude?", came Pink's muffled voice from inside. This made the great fuck-u tree even more angry and before he knew it, Pink found himself get swallowed down in a huge wave of tree sap, into a large pit of green water. He paddles to solid ground and stood up, looking around at the gloom.  
  
"Well, that was easy! Look at all these chests that got washed up with it!!!". Pink exclaimed, pointing to a bunch of chests lying around, mostly on top of three unfortunate Fuck-u scrubbers. "Twenty three is number one.", one mumbled helplessly. Pink sniggered, as him and gator rushed around opening the chests.  
  
"Ooh! Catapult!!!", Pink said happily playing with the elastic.  
  
"Ooh! Dungeon map!", Pink said, unrolling the parchment and trying to figure out where he was. "Gato-o-or?". He suddenly whined.  
  
"Ye-e-es?".  
  
"Why is this room flashing Blu-u-ue?".  
  
"Because that tells you where you a-a-are!", the hairy explained.  
  
"And what's this skull?", Pink said, pointing vigorously at an evil looking skull on the map.  
  
"That shows where the dungeon boss is!", Gator said.  
  
"Oooh! It's through there!!", said Pink enthusiastically. Leaping up and pointing at a door. He didn't wait for the reply before running through. It was quite dark and a slightly green light filtered through the mist. "Its smells in here, can we go?", whinged Pink. Just then he looked up and saw a huge yellow eye look down at him.  
  
"Umm..Gator?", he whispered. Gator immediately flew above the beast's head.  
  
"This is queen GO-HOME! When it's eye goes red, attack it!!!". The hairy screeched.  
  
"GO HOME!! GO HOME!!!!", the ugly beast roared at our hero.  
  
"WELL I CAN'T! YOU'RE NOT LETTING ME!!!". Pink roared back. The monster thought for a second, it's eyes turned red with fury.  
  
"Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now! Hit it now!", yelled Gator, as Pink started slashing up and down blindly at the disgusting spider type thing as it had a mild spasm fit on the floor.  
  
"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!", Pink shouted, doing his best impression of a Korean chef.  
  
"TORCH IT!", Gator yelled. Pink got his lighter and put it to the foot of the great beast.  
  
"Ooh! Pretty!", he announced as a blue flame engulfed the creature. A blue light then shone on the floor. Pink looked at it.  
  
"Does my reward come through here?", he asked stupidly.  
  
"Dunno let's wait and see!", said Gator.  
  
~~Two hours and three coffee breaks later.~~  
  
"I dunno..poke it with your foot?", offered gator. Pink poked with his foot, and before he knew it, he was being dragged towards the ceiling by his foot, through a current of blue magic. He hit the ceiling very hard three times.  
  
"Whoops, sorry.wrong opening", said a mysterious voice, before Pink blacked out.  
  
~*~*~  
  
O_o;;; where the heck..did THAT come from..?? Okay I admit I sort of ran out of ideas at the end, but I haven't thought in much detail about Pink's childhood yet, so I hope ya like it. Please review, Thanx!!! 


	2. Rapping owls and sneaking round castles

OMG!! You will not believe but I am finally back! Yeah, I kinda got banned from my account for a few days and err . . . . .well, the rest is self explanatory. Anyway, on with the crazy legend!  
  
~*~*~  
  
"So, Pink, to cut a long story short, you basically have to put your life in jeopardy, get out there and kick some butt, now I'm going to die!" Said the great fuck-u tree after telling Pink the story we heard in the introduction.  
  
"Wait!" Cried Pink. "What about the spiritual stone?"  
  
"My dear boy, did I say spiritual 'stone'? Ha ha! I meant, phone!" A strange music filled the air, well not music, it was more like an annoying bleeping as a green cell phone, floated through the air towards pink, who grabbed it and flipped over the cover.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"GOOOOOOD MOOOOOORNING!! This is Fat bore speaking; I'm busy at the moment, but thank you for finding my phone! Please hold! Doo doo doooo dee dooOOOooooOOOOooooo!!!" Pink abruptly flipped the cover back on as he couldn't stand the music any longer. He looked up and the great fuck-u tree had died.  
  
"Oh maaaan, I'm gonna get in so much-. . . ."  
  
"SHIT! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE GREAT FUCK-U TREE!?"  
  
Pink turned to find himself surrounded by the eerie cocks . . . .and I can tell ya, they looked very, very eerie. "I can explain . . . ." They all looked at him.  
  
"Just let me, go over here . . . ." Pink said, stepping through them and edging closer to the exit out of the great fuck-u tree's meadow.  
  
"That was a lie, I can't explain, TOODLES!" He screamed, making a quick getaway, followed by hordes of screaming eerie cocks, angry that they had been deprived of their mid-morning tree hug. He reached the tunnel at the far end of the forest glade and they all stopped with a gasp.  
  
"You can't go through there, you'll diiiiieeeeeee!!!!!"  
  
"Watch me!" Said Pink, taking a running leap into the darkness. He couldn't stop himself and flew straight into Sorry; she dropped something, which flew into Pink's pocket. "Sorry, Sorry . . ." he called out to his dazed green haired friend, before somersaulting to a stop in a little passage outside.  
  
"I LIVE!" He cried, leaping up.  
  
"Heya there, cute little boy, whatchya up to, your name is Roy?" A voice rhymed. Pink shielded his eyes against the sun and looked up at an owl with a baseball cap on. . . .backwards, sunshades and a gold chain with a large medallion saying 'G.K.'  
  
"Actually, Mr. Owl, My name is Pink."  
  
"My first name comes first, It is Gay-boring, the second comes second, I believe it's KEEP-ROARING!"  
  
"Your name is Gay-boring Keep-roaring. . . . . ?"  
  
"That's right Daddio, I rap for survival, I'm so damn good, I don't need a rival."  
  
"I'm going to go now, I have something to take care of, bye bye."  
  
"That's right little guy, go find the town, go to the castle, find the heir to the crown! . . . .I hear she's a bit of a bodacious babe." Suddenly, he leaned forward, turning his head 360 degrees. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR WHAT I SAID, AGAIN? YES? NO!?"  
  
"NO!! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Pink yelled, running away. Not much happened on the way to town, someone shot a duck and a cat got sick, but that's beside the point. Pink entered the walls of the town and looked around in awe. It was very . . . .large. . . . he skipped through a street and into a big bustling market place.  
  
"Oh my goddesses! Would you listen to this guy? It's hilarious! He's SUCH a wuss!" one man in a red shirt said, pointing at a man in a blue shirt, while almost falling over himself laughing.  
  
"Honestly! I'm just here so I can pretend to panic and make it as obvious as I can, that this little kid is supposed to sneak through a drain on the right hand side of the castle. Heck, I might as well give him a map!"  
  
Pink took this into account and moved around a fountain in the centre. There, something caught his eye. A small, red haired girl wearing a green stripy fruit on her head. "Erm, hiya, is the castle that way?" Pink asked, thinking up any excuse just to talk to her because she looked so ridiculous.  
  
"OH YEAH! Sure is!" She said enthusiastically. "My name is Melon! What's yours? . . . . . . .Pink eh?"  
  
"Umm, wait a minute, I didn't even tell you my name . . ." Pink said frowning.  
  
"Hush! It's all part of the programming." She said, looking up into the sky. Pink looked very confused. "Programming? What programming?"  
  
"LOOK OVER THERE!" She yelled. Pink looked, when he turned back, she'd gone. It was impossible that she'd somehow moved away in record time, but hey . . . it must have been all part of the programme . . . . whatever the hell that meant. Pink skipped merrily towards the castle, but to his horror, upon looking up into a tree. . . "Oh Pin . . ." He said, uttering the fire goddess's name. "We meet again little guy, I hope the town was great, But in there time was still, but out here it's getting late." "I'm aware of the time." Pink growled. "Wait until it's nightfall, then go around the corner, you might recognise the girl, who is making quite a holler." "Uh oh, here it comes," Pink whispered to Gator, who'd just appeared from no where, because we actually forgot about her. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR WHAT I SAID, AGAIN? YES? NO!?" the owl screeched, turning his head upside down. "No, honestly, I heard." Pink said, trembling from the impact of the screech. The rapping owl flew away into the now, night sky and crashed into the moon, dislodging a few stars, which fell from the darkness.  
  
"OOOoooOOOh, . . . . . . . . . OOOoooOOOh . . . . OOOooOOoooOOOOh . . . . . ." Pink heard some dreadful singing from around the corner. He carried on, up to the gate. A soldier stood looking half asleep, "Uuh, hiya. I have to see the princess, is there any way I can get in?"  
  
"No, but if you go round there, ask the charming girl who sings and I'm sure she'll let you climb the vines which you can take around and up to the castle, from there, go over to the far left and climb the wall, jump down into the moat, swim to the corner, get out and talk to the sleeping fat man, move a couple of crates, crawl through the drain, dodge the guards and you should find yourself in the courtyard."  
  
"Gee, thank you."  
  
Suddenly the guard snorted and looked around. "Oh goddesses, was I sleeping again, sorry these night shifts just really get me, Oh no! Was I talking to you in my sleep? I tend to do that, Sorry if I told you some utterly useless information!"  
  
"Not at all. . . . . ." Pink said slyly, taking a few steps back before running around to talk to the singing person. It was Melon, doing all the howling. "Oh, hiya Pink! I love to sing."  
  
'Don't you mean caterwaul?' Pink thought to himself.  
  
"Anyway, my dad hasn't come back from delivering milk to the castle, could you go on up and tell him to get his lazy fat - HOLYMUTHERFUCKINGLICKMYFRIKKINPUSSY! - ass down here please."  
  
Pink stared at her for some moments. "Melon, what the hell was that?"  
  
"Oh, I'm not really sure myself, I have this weird birth defect that causes me to yell bad things a lot, but I just try to ignore it and pretend that it never happened, Daddy was drunk one night and told me that if I do it when I'm older, I'll get laid a lot, but I don't know what he's talking about because only eggs get laid." She smiled brightly. "Anyway, talking of eggs, I think you better take this with you." She said, handing him an egg in a convenient little nest. Pink took it cautiously and Melon stepped aside, revealing a vine, with a little red arrow attached to it, saying 'Climb up here for best results!'  
  
Pink did as he was indicated and clambered up. A dark figure towered over him as he neared the top and as he stepped up he could see the features silhouetted by the moon light. It was a woman, no more like a-  
  
"I AM NAM THE VAMPY!!"  
  
EXCUSE ME!  
  
"What?"  
  
"Huh?" Pink said.  
  
Are you trying to ruin my narration, I mean, good God woman! I didn't even get to describe you! Just calm down and shut up, wait your turn!  
  
"I'm really, really sorry?" Said the girl.  
  
Thank you! Anyway, carrying on. It was a woman, no more like a girl of about 16 in black clothes and she had a very pale face with reddish eyes and thick black hair. Fangs protruded from her black lips.  
  
"Ok, are you satisfied now?"  
  
Yes, I am.  
  
"Ok, I AM NAM THE VAMPY!"  
  
"Who were you just talking to?" Pink questioned.  
  
"HUSH! No one asked you! Just stick to the programme!" She exclaimed, turning into a bat, and taking off into the night sky, dodging a few loose stars that had been upset by the rapster owl crashing into the moon.  
  
"What the hell is the programme?" Pink asked, feeling exasperated. Gator would have shrugged, if she had shoulders and wasn't a ball of fluff. Trying to forget all these events, Pink ran like he was told to get to the castle. He ran across a stone bridge and crashed into another guard. "HEH! UGH!! Blurrh!! Aheeem! WHAT do you think YOU'RE doing?" He said, snapping to attention.  
  
"Look! A bear!!!" Pink yelled, pointing into the darkness. The soldier screamed and ran down a slope, jumping into a colleague's arms, Scooby doo style. "He said there's a bear!!!" He squealed, the man dropped him and ran away. Chaos ensued, causing much panic throughout the grounds of the castle that a bear was on the loose. By the time that one slightly more intellectual soldier had pointed out that there were no bears in the north of hyrule, the epicentre of distress had swam through the moat and was making his way towards a sleeping fat man  
  
~~~Penny! Hi! You are a dude! Oh no wait.you are a hug bird! KAW! Blububububfgdasgaghebb. I am seriously nervous about sports day because I cant do high jump! Meh! The world is round! Just thought I would point that out. Oh, look! Here comes lou! The sleeping beauty awakens! Meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh  
  
OI, KATY YOU FREAKIN LEPRECHAUN!!!! I'm in the MIDDLE of a STORY HERE!! Nobody said you could write an essay about how stupid you are, on my laptop!!! Jeezus! Anyway, on with the saga!~~~  
  
"Hello?" Pink whispered to the sleeping man  
  
The man snorted and rolled over. Pink sighed dramatically. "This is going to be a loooooong night."  
  
"You wanna get high?" gator asked sheepishly.  
  
"No."  
  
~*~*~  
  
Read and review. . . .or that bear might pay you a visit! 


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